The Parentless World

So much of the world, especially western society, promotes a childless lifestyle. In fact, it glorifies it.  A life without children is so often seen as the new American Dream, where all you need to do is focus on yourself and perhaps a significant other. People believe that without children, you can do whatever makes you happy in life without needing to worry about something or someone holding you down. Children are seen as a burden to many, and being a parent as a lifetime chore.

Many view children as horrible, crying, screaming, dirty monsters that ultimately make life worse and prevent us from being happy, wealthy, and free. Maybe it is because they have seen families struggle financially, emotionally, or physically after having children. The idea of sacrificing for someone that is dependent, vulnerable, small, and needy is as much of a turn off as running into a burning building soaked in gasoline.

I guess it may be easy to forget that we all were babies, children, teenagers.

I believe that it isn’t that these people hate babies and children, but rather they hate the suffering that may come with having children. Children require time just as any other relationship.They need constant care and attention, and this means we need to sacrifice the time that we would normally spend doing things for ourselves. Children and babies push  parents to limits of frustration, sleep deprivation, and so on.

I can say that because I know that my own parents struggled many days because of us kids. I know there were days my parents were exhausted after shifts, and yet they still invested the time into caring for us. I know it meant they had less time to do the things that they wanted to do, but they still found joy in doing what they had to do, which was loving us and making sure we had what we needed on a daily basis. Twenty plus years later, I can confidently say that my parents still loved us even when things were hard.

I am pregnant with our baby girl, Evangeline, and already Mike and I brace ourselves for ‘advice’ from people encouraging us to stop at one child, or to maybe try for one boy and one girl and then avoid more in every possible way. It is especially disheartening when the advice is coming from loved ones, or from people who have children and seem to voice regret from having one or two too many.

Parenthood means loving far beyond yourself, dying to yourself every single day. I may only be 6 months into my pregnancy, but even now, Mike and I have had challenges. We have had to make time for appointments. Mike has had to give up eating certain foods because some things just don’t sit well with me. I don’t sleep the same anymore. I can’t run on the treadmill for an hour every day so I can have a totally in shape, model body. Mike has to endure a woman that wears the baggies clothes most days because her normal clothes just don’t fit the same anymore.

This is only the beginning of changing challenges. The truth is though, I don’t need a perfect body, a perfect sleep schedule, or money to blow on material goods. Those things will not make me or my family holy.

I speak for Mike and myself when I say that we anticipate redemptive suffering which is something that many refuse to even acknowledge exists. We can anticipate sleepless nights. We can anticipate strain on our relationship. We can anticipate temper tantrums, marker drawings on the wall, spilt drinks, and pulled out hair. I do not want to deny us of sacrifices we can give to God out of love for the souls entrusted to us. I do not want to miss the opportunity to try and live as the Holy Family lived on earth and now eternally does in heaven. I do not want to say ‘no’ to God for his gift of life.

We need fathers. We need mothers. The world needs moms and dads who actively demonstrate love for the family that goes beyond wanting to fulfil their own desires. The World needs to see spouses who can’t have children naturally to seek to be parents to children without mothers and fathers or to the community around them. The World needs to see that parenthood is a blessing, not a curse; that children are gifts from God and not simply things we can take for ourselves as a right to have, nor deny when God lays them in our hands to care for them. If your call is to be married, to give yourself to your spouse in fullness and in love, that desire has a natural, God-given purpose: life-giving love, which may bring with it, parenthood.

Let us pray for all those discerning their vocations, that they may discern with willing and open hearts.  Let us pray that couples discerning marriage are open to life. Let us pray that God may grant strength to parents struggling with their state of life, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Finally, let us pray for our world, that parenthood, children, and life may be celebrated and that we may all be thankful for the gift to emulate the love of the Trinity and of the Holy Family.

Love,
Catholic Ruki

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-walsh/my-kids-dont-make-me-happy_b_4384622.html
http://www.families.com/blog/top-10-benefits-of-having-children

http://orthodoxcatholicism.com/2014/09/01/discerning-the-whisper/
http://orthodoxcatholicism.com/2014/08/15/the-right-to-do-what-we-ought/
http://orthodoxcatholicism.com/2014/04/09/marriage-lessons/
http://orthodoxcatholicism.com/2014/06/09/the-hope-of-marriage/
http://orthodoxcatholicism.com/2014/03/10/the-compassion-deception/

 

Women Deserve Better

Earlier this year, an uproar was sparked because a few Ottawa Doctors are refusing to prescribe contraception or refer for abortions,  and sterilizations. This choice to act in accordance with their conscience for the sake of each of their patients has steadily become a cause for concern with many canadian citizens. A letter provided to their patients read:

Dear Patient,

Please be advised that because of reasons of my own medical judgment as well as professional ethical concerns and religious values, I only provide one form of birth control, Natural Family Planning. In addition, I do not refer for vasectomies, abortions nor prescribe the morning after pill or any artificial contraception. If you are interested in the latter, please be aware that you may approach your own family doctor or request to be seen by another physician.

Some patients also come to a walk in clinic for prescriptions of narcotics. The distribution of those drugs is controlled. Narcotics have a high potential for side effects, including addiction and they should be prescribed by a regular physician who is able to follow you. It is your responsibility to ensure that this physician will be renewing your prescription on time as I won’t do so in a context of walk in clinic.

With deepest respect,

Edmond Kyrillos, B. Eng., MD, CCFP
Ottawa Ontario

As a result of this, there has been a pull from the Conscience Research Group to have the conscience rights reviewed and possibly changed within the Physicians Code of Ethics for the Canadian Medical Association. They note on their website home page that they are “investigating the permissibility of conscientious refusals by health care professionals to provide health care services such as abortions. Our particular concern is with refusals to provide reproductive health care services.”

It is an important thing to question what is motivating a doctor in how they follow their conscience. The removal of the right to follow their conscience, however, will be detrimental. You can see more on this in the first part of this series, “Doctor Dilemma“. In the letter provided to patients, the primary reasons motivating their decisions are due to their own medical judgment and professional and ethical concerns. The “religious” reasons are last in the list. It is listed last because, although it helps to motivate decision making, it is the morals and values surrounding human life, that are further informed by their faith, that motivate their decisions.

These doctors know full well the terrible and masking effects of the pill, how abortion kills children, and how sterilizations for the reason of pregnancy prevention are detrimental to us and society at large. These doctors also know how well modern NFP (Natural Family Planning) benefits all aspects of life, including keeping marriages successful by promoting communication and respect of one another. I am a user of NFP which these good doctors advocate, and have experienced the wonderful effects of it in my own life. Modern NFP is a truly holistic concept. It helps to achieve and avoid pregnancy at a highly successful rate (a far greater rate than the Birth Control Pill), and in a manner that does not pose a threat to a newly conceived child. The method which I use for example is the Creighton Model Fertilitycare System, which can incorporate NaProTechnology. Creighton has a 99.5 % effectiveness rate with perfect use and 96.8% effectiveness rate with typical use. Even more importantly, however, is the fact that it actually helps to diagnose and treat medical issues, even before they can seriously progress.

The Creighton Method is only one of many effective NFP methods (which require total abstinence from sex during the fertile time to avoid pregnancy), but I will speak about this one in particular since I am a personal user of it. I should clarify that modern forms of NFP are not the Rhythm Method; that ancient form of NFP which was almost completely useless and had an extremely high failure rate).  It is also not FAM (Fertility Awareness Method, which rather than abstaining from sex during fertile periods, engages in it, while using “protection”). While the Rhythm Method is based on the assumption that every woman ovulates on day 14 of her cycle, other modern methods of NFP such as Creighton, help a woman to understand her personal cycle so she knows when she is ovulating, and thus how to avoid or achieve pregnancy. It is a personalized method geared to fit every woman and circumstance. This is achieved by tracking cycles. In the case of the Creighton Model, a woman “NaPro Tracks” her cycle, by documenting the observed cervical mucus or lack thereof. The benefit to using the Creighton method is that your tracked cycles are monitored by a qualified teacher, who can help interpret the chart and send the woman to a qualified NaPro trained doctor, should it be necessary. It is these doctors that assess these charts and can see from them the issue that a woman may be experiencing, and they can thereby help her.

I am one of those women. I was familiar with Creighton Model at the time of becoming pregnant with both of my children, though I was not actually using it. After experiencing my second miscarriage, and knowing that low progesterone (an important hormone needed  to achieve a successful pregnancy) was often a cause for miscarrying, I asked the OB/GYN who followed up with me after the second miscarriage about getting tested for it. She said it could not be done, that no one could check for that. Even though I knew she was wrong, I went and got a second opinion. While NaProTechnology considers every miscarriage a problem, most of our “professionals” do not consider it an issue until after a third miscarriage. What woman really has the heart to bear the loss of a child, and then another, and then another, before any typical doctor cares to help?

I was not willing to take this risk, so I went and received a referral to the nearest NaPro doctor. I had my first appointment this past July. He took one look at my chart, saying “I know what this is” and prescribed Metformin due to a “short luteal phase” during the time of post ovulation. Prior to taking this medication, I was experiencing a lot of PMS symptoms. I was extremely irritable and struggled with bouts of depression. I knew my period was coming because I could feel a noticeable change in myself. It was extremely difficult to deal with. With just one cycle (so far) on this new medication, I did not feel the way I did before. I know that my journey has only just begun, but there has already been so many great changes. I would not have known I was dealing with this had it not been for NaPro Tracking and the help of my NaPro doctor.

What has sparked my interest in sharing this with you was a Facebook conversation my husband had online recently. In it, a friend spoke of her fertility issues and the need for artificial birth control to aid in its control. She felt it was necessary that doctors be forced to prescribe these “medical services”, particularly “the pill”, because women like herself “need it to get by”. While I am not denying that it may alleviate symptoms, the pill is not the answer. To help illustrate this point, I decided to reach out to some friends within groups that I am a part of who have had severe cases of Endometriosis and PCOS. These women came to know of their fertility issues by the symptoms and using NFP Tracking. These issues, once properly diagnosed, either required serious surgeries, other medical assistance, or both. Due to the highly successful rates of the surgeries done by the hands of specially skilled NaProTechnology doctors, these women have come back nearly pain free, and being able to successfully conceive and bring the child to term on their own.  I wish to share just a few amazing testimonies which they have given with their permission regarding how effective NaProTechnology really is:

“My story before NaPro includes seeing OB/GYN’s for years (20 to be exact) and being told several untruths:

“Being a woman sucks and you have to get used to that.”
“You obviously aren’t in enough pain that you’ll take the BCP – so I question how honest you’re being about your pain level.”

The most intervention I ever received before NaPro was an ultrasound where they told me everything looked “beautiful and perfect”…. only to find out later from NaPro that I had low estradiol, very low progesterone, an ovulation defect, a luteal phase defect, the endo on my uterine ligaments, lots of inflammation. I was puking about 2 weeks a month, and laboring and passing massive clots. I was not “beautiful” on the inside as they had suggested.

I had endo excision via robot assisted surgery in the end of May 2013. The endo removal almost completely removed the GI dysfunction I was having. My sharp pelvic pain went away. I no longer had stabbing pain running down my thighs either. The really acute pain around ovulation disappeared. And because of the surgery, my NaPro fellow found a uterine infection (via sHSG) and a fibroid. Additionally, my constant nausea disappeared. We found a thyroid disorder and treated it along with my sex hormones. The endo removal was like peeling back the first layer of the onion.

NaPro literally gave me back 2-3 weeks of my life every cycle. And for a long time I didn’t write about my journey because I thought others had it worse. I never knew I didn’t have to suffer like that. Or that suffering like that wasn’t normal. It was the failure of my doctors for so many years to ever make me think it was normal.”

Some other short but awesome testimonies:

“I would have one cycle a year if that. After the OWR (Ovarian Wedge Restriction surgery) I had regular cycles every month and I’ve been pregnant three times now (one miscarriage). My hormones are much more stable and my periods are not excruciating anymore”

Another woman had the same surgery and states:

“I had an OWR. It completely eliminated my insulin resistance and my cycles became really regular (I planned my wedding around them). When I wanted to conceive, I had no problem but needed progesterone support (1 miscarriage and currently 23 weeks.)”

This lady had not had a cycle on her own in years:

“I had an OWR. I hadn’t had a cycle on my own in years. 35 days exactly after my OWR, I had my first un-induced cycle. In the 4 months since my surgery, I’ve had four. Unheard of for me.”

The surgical techniques done for these women by Dr. Hilgers (one of the creators of NaProTechnology, the Creighton Method, and the aforementioned surgical techniques) and his few trained surgeons, are unlike any other. Due to the advanced methods which he pioneered to prevent scarring and adhesions, which result in a lower recurrence rate for endometriosis, these surgeries have allowed for better outcomes for both health and fertility. Who wouldn’t want that? These women will tell you firsthand that Dr. Hilgers and his team are simply the best.

These doctor’s, such as Dr. Edmond Kyrillos, who are refusing these so-called “medical treatments” such as contraception (whether for medical issues or avoidance of pregnancy), abortion, or sterilizations, are in actual fact, looking out for their best interests because they know that these antiquated forms of birth control are doing these women an injustice. Women deserve better, and women deserve real solutions to help them in their reproductive health. Just as we have the right to refuse receiving a treatment that a doctor recommends, life saving or not, they also should continue to have a right to refuse to prescribe, when they know the treatment is not in the best interest of the patient. We need to let doctors be doctors. Health care is not Burger King, and you can’t always have it your way. The customer is not always right in this case. We also need to hold our doctor’s to a higher standard of practicing medicine. St. John Paul II said “Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.” Taking away the conscience rights of our doctor’s will only serve to harm us and them. Though a patient may not always agree with the opinion of their doctor, they need to have the freedom to care for us to the best of their ability.

 

The Compassion Deception

“And God saw all the things that he had made, and they were very good.”

These were the words God spoke in the Book of Genesis after He created man in His own image and likeness. In contrast to everything else that God created, man was and still is very good. God is particularly pleased with man, who He created only out of love. He loved every single one of us into existence. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, it says “Human life is sacred because from its beginning it involves the creative action of God and it remains for ever in a special relationship with the Creator, who is its sole end. God alone is the Lord of life from its beginning until its end: no one can under any circumstance claim for himself the right directly to destroy an innocent human being. (CCC 2258)” After the fall of man, the next major sin we see was murder which began with Cain killing his brother Abel. This was such a sin that it cried to heaven for vengeance, since it was the spilling of blood. In the Old Testament, blood was always considered a sacred sign of life. This is still the same today.

God loves us so deeply that He gave us the Ten Commandments, to help us live according to His Holy Will, because He knows what is best for us. Among them, there is the command that we shall not kill. The direct or intentional killing of another is gravely sinful. We have been commanded not to do this because God knows the immense emotional, physical, psychological, and especially spiritual damage it inflicts on us. Most especially, it separates us from God due to its grave nature. Despite this, human beings have many times returned to killing their fellow man by choice. Some kill for vengeance or in anger, some kill out of prejudice, but some kill out of what they deem to be “compassion.” It is this false notion of “compassion” which has deceived and plagued our families and our world. We need to return to a proper understanding of compassion, which our Lord has taught us par excellence.

On Wednesday, March 5, CatholicRuki (Brooke) came with me to hear a formal debate between Maaike Rosendal, of the Canadian Centre for Bio-Ethical Reform, and Dr. Fraser Fellows, a late term abortionist and OB-GYN at London Health Sciences Centre in London, Ontario. The debate was on abortion as a human right or a human rights violation.

The arguments presented by Ms. Rosendal, stating that abortion is a human rights violation were respectful, clear, concise, to the point, and made logical sense in every way. She pulled together science and facts to produce very sound arguments against abortion. Dr. Fellows’ arguments were filled with ad hominum attacks and actually lacked much logic. He did not provide much of an intellectual response and had no facts to back up his claims, and for someone who works in the medical field, his arguments involved no scientific backing. His argument was for the right to choose, based on what society considers to be morally acceptable. He made it clear while debating that he wholeheartedly believes that morality changes like the wind, only requiring a majority vote. When questioned on slavery being right when it was allowable under the law, he said that everyone knows slavery was not okay. He said this, despite his belief that the law dictates what is right or wrong, and even though slavery was once considered morally acceptable under the law, he believes it was not right. Inconsistency is proof of a failed argument and he lost much credibility due to this.

Above all else, the main difference between Ms. Rosendal and Dr. Fellows was the issue of compassion. Dr. Fellows argued that abortion is a human right because it shows “compassion” for the woman in need. If she had been raped, it is going to help her. If she cannot afford another child or just does not want another child, it shows “compassion” and helps her out of that situation which she does not want to be in. The question is: Is it really showing a woman compassion?

Do not be deceived. The act of abortion is not actually a compassionate act but is the complete opposite. Dr. Fellows made it clear during the question and answer session of the debate that despite the fact that women have come back to him after their abortion with regrets, it helped them in the moment, and that is all that matters. They came to him after being “counselled” and this showed him that the abortion was something that they really wanted. In another recent debate, Abortion Debate: Stephanie Gray vs. Dr. Fraser Fellows, he said that he keeps himself at arms length from his patients with regards to their reason for having the abortion. The proof is in the pudding. He does not care about the long term wellbeing of his patients at all.

In that same debate, Stephanie Gray of the CCBR relayed the following story from a woman who previously worked for Planned Parenthood, prior to her working privately as a psychotherapist:

I remember a woman I counselled at Planned Parenthood. She had three abortions in two years … A year later, she came to my private office for psychotherapy. She wanted help rather in leaving her battering husband … Her situation brought home to me the importance of knowing the full context in which women make reproductive choices.

Those who procure abortion never really care. If they did, they would offer real solutions to the underlying issues about why women have abortions in the first place. Abortion only serves as a band-aid solution to a deep wound. Stephanie Gray puts it best when she says:

“Why do women have abortions?…I don’t doubt that there are many women who find themselves in desperate circumstances. It is the lack of support, perhaps the fear of being kicked out of their home, the plan they have for their career or their education, maybe being pregnant from sexual assault. Any number of these can be very, very difficult situations for a pregnant woman to be in. But regardless of what situation she is in, is what we saw on the screen a few moments ago (imagery of abortion) going to unrape a rape victim?…make a woman who’s poor suddenly become rich?…going to turn a woman’s frog of a partner into a price? I don’t think so. We need to be concerned about women, but we have to ask ourselves ‘why do they want the abortion?’ Abortion is not actually going to give them what they need, which is support. The ability to finish school, the counselling they are going to need if they are pregnant from sexual assault. That trauma needs to be dealt with … Getting rid of the pre-born child is not going to get rid of the memories.”

Euthanasia is a similar case. No one ever likes to see a loved one suffering and in pain. It pains the heart of all those involved.  This does not, however, justify taking their life to “end it sooner.” The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that,”discontinuing medical procedures that are burdensome, dangerous, extraordinary, or disproportionate to the expected outcome can be legitimate; it is the refusal of “over-zealous” treatment. Here one does not will to cause death; one’s inability to impede it is merely accepted. The decisions should be made by the patient if he is competent and able or, if not, by those legally entitled to act for the patient, whose reasonable will and legitimate interests must always be respected. (2278)” While this is the case, it is entirely different from purposely ending the life of the elderly. Ending life for the sake of convenience is never true compassion.

Compassion, at its root, means to suffer (passio) with (com) someone.  In suffering with someone, there is real love. Love is the will to sacrifice for the good of the other, for the other’s sake. When we take the life of the elderly or unborn, we demonstrate that their life lacks value, and that they have nothing to offer us. It becomes about us, and not about them. We do not have compassion when we do “suffer” with those in need. We as Christians are called by Christ to comfort (not end the life sooner of) the afflicted. We are called to bury the dead, not make them dead. We are called to truly care for one another, as called for in the corporal works of mercy, which find their basis in charity. We are called to feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, clothe the naked, harbour the harbourless, visit the sick, ransom the captive, and bury the dead. With the advancements in medical care and the many pregnancy support centers we have, no one has to go unaided and uncared for. People will help. If one does not want to seek care or help in a center, turn to someone you know will love and help. There is no need to be ashamed, or afraid. If you are finding yourself or someone you know considering abortion, or supporting euthanasia, step out to be there for them and help them, or find them appropriate help.

During this time of Lent, we focus on the events surrounding the Passion of the Lord. One very important person we recognize during the Stations of the Cross is Simon of Cyrene who helped Jesus carry His cross on the road to Calvary. As Christians, we need to see Jesus in those in need, especially in struggling pregnant women and those suffering with illness. As Christians, we need to come and help carry and embrace their crosses. St. Augustine of Hippo said ,”What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.” Let us imitate Christ in showing this love to our fellow man, just as he showed it to us in his life, passion, and death. Let us show the world what compassion really means.

Marriage: For His Glory

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Saviour.  Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,  in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word,  so as to present the church to himself in splendour, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish.  In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church,  because we are members of his body.  –

Ephesians 5: 21-30

Some of you may know that I was engaged to be married as of last summer. Since the date was picked and the dress was bought, my future wedding and marriage have been the main things on my mind. I wake up and I see the boxes filled with things I’m packing from the home I’ve lived in almost my whole life. I see shelves filled with crafting supplies I’ve used to make the invitations and the bouquets. Everyday, something about the wedding comes up, and I’m bombarded with my own worries and stresses. As I prepare to get married, I constantly put myself in check and remind myself that this marriage is far more than just a new life with Michael, but it is a vocational call from God. I can try my best to seek all the marriage advice I can in Church teachings, apologetics, and the internet; but actually living out the vocation is where the real work begins. Wedding preparation calls us to reflect on the demands of marriage: freely given and life giving love, sacrifice, and forgiveness  As I reread  Ephesians 15, it radiates within my heart that this exhortation from St Paul summarizes the fundamental reality of marriage.

I have come to understand that marriage is not all about happiness. It is only part of it. In fact, some days it may be completely the opposite. Christ suffered for us on His way to Calvary. He hung for each of us personally on the Cross out of love so that we could be with Him. What a triumphant and profound proclamation of love is displayed when a person gives up their life for another! How can we not be moved to tears when we consider Christ on the cross? The sacrifice of Christ was done without reserve. By His actions, Christ declared once for all, “Yes, I truly love you and I will to die for you because I love you”. This type of sacrificial love is the fundamental model for marriage.

Marriage is often treated as a relationship of compromise, when on the contrary, it should more often be a relationship built on sacrifice. Christ, though experiencing the worst agony known to man, chose to forgive and lay down His life for those who persecuted Him. He knew that the result of His sacrifice would mean that all of humanity would again have the ability to be in communion with the Blessed Trinity. God desired that we would be truly happy and the only way for that to be possible would be through restoring union with Him.

The sacrifices we make in order to love our spouse may be great or small. It may mean watching the football game, even if we have no interest in it. It may mean not being able to go out and hang out with friends because our spouse asks us to stay and spend quality time with them. In my case, it is moving to a new city, away from all the friends and family I have known my whole life. This is no easy sacrifice for me but I know that I am called to remember Christ’s Sacrifice for His Bride and lay down my will for the sake of the one I love. Jesus offered up His life in order to give us new life in Him. This new life is a generous gift and a blessing to us, and we must remember that if we are bring life to our marriage, we must also be open to lay down our lives for the good of the other.

Having a foundation of union with God in prayer is essential to marriage. This is why it is important to begin working on building a prayer-centred relationship with our partner prior to marriage. In order to be able to call our spouse to holiness, we must first seek that holiness for ourselves. In doing so, we can then truly encourage our spouses to seek holiness because our lives already reflect what we are preaching. We must submit to God’s will joyfully in every aspect of our lives and this includes the planning of our future family when married.  Our children (should God will it) will not really be our children, but are God’s children that He has given to us to take care of and bring up. We are called to introduce them to their Heavenly Father, who is also our Father. This responsibility must be accepted and acted upon with humility and that only comes by the grace given to us through prayer.

Forgiveness is one of the most humbling yet central parts of marriage. True forgiveness requires a lot love. Real forgiveness says, ” Yes, you have hurt me, but I forgive you, and I love you. I am willing to let this hurt go completely and not let it stand in the way of our relationship”.  This past Sunday in the Novus Ordo Liturgical Calendar, the Gospel discussed how we will not be forgiven unless we forgive others:

So then, if you are bringing your offering to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, go and be reconciled with your brother first, and then come back and present your offering. Come to terms with your opponent in goodtime while you are still on the way to the court with him, or he may hand you over to the judge and the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison. In truth I tell you, you will not get out till you have paid the last penny. ( Matthew 5: 23-26)

So many marriages fall apart because of the lack of forgiveness. Hopelessness, distrust, and sorrow are just some of the things that come with this lack of forgiveness. Christ called out to God the Father on the Cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” Even when He was on the cross, Christ still forgave those who had tortured Him, laughed at Him, and hated Him. We must imitate this kind of forgiveness in our relationships, even if it is not reciprocated. The ability to forgive in this way can only be granted by God’s grace. It is, however, a grace that God freely bestows on those who ask for it. It may take time, but it will come.

To truly forgive means to forgive not only the big things that hurt us but also the little things that hurt us. Sometimes those are the hardest things to forgive because the occurrences happen over and over. We may become angry with our spouse or friends because of these things, but doesn’t God have to deal with the same things in us? This can be seen in our need for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. We sin, we confess, we promise not to sin again, and because of our weakness, we sin again. Many times we sin in the exact same way we sinned before. Over and over we come to Christ in the Sacrament of Confession and ask for His forgiveness. God’s mercy is so great and His love is so true that He always takes us back with open arms if we are truly repentant. We have seen or heard of stories where a spouse opens their arms to their partner who has cheated on them.  These courageous and loving souls choose to forgive. What an incredibly beautiful, selfless, and loving act! We must strive to forgive in the same way as Christ, who forgives our failures no matter how often we fail.

When all is said and done, I know that marriage is not for me, but for God. It is for His Glory. It is for the building of His Kingdom. Marriage is meant to help us grow in holiness. Christ did not die for His own sake, but for ours. Marriage is not about self-fulfilment, but the fulfilment of God’s will, which will inevitably make us truly happy. It is about doing what He desires so that we may help our spouse to love Christ more than us. Marriage is holy, for God made marriage to reflect His love in the Holy Trinity. It is sacrificial, because it is meant to be an imitation of the love of Christ for his Bride, the Church. True joy and love is only found in Christ, not in our spouse. It is not found in achieving the “life we have always wanted or dreamed of.” We must, therefore, seek to imitate Christ’s love for the Church in our marriages. We need to give God every tear, every pain, every joy, and He will do great things in us and in our marriages. Holiness is what marriage was designed for. Anything else falls short of the glory meant for it.

Love,
Catholic Ruki

PS Check out this article that inspired me to write this post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html